As anyone who’s planned a wedding in recent years will tell you, getting married is expensive. But you know what else is expensive? Getting un-married. The fact that divorce can be costly isn’t exactly news, but it is a major theme of Belle Burdon’s recent memoir, Strangers…and the viral discourse currently surrounding the bestseller.
The book has attracted criticism from some readers who’ve questioned whether the author’s personal testament to the toll divorce can take on a bank account accurately represents the realities of her financial situation or fairly acknowledges the socioeconomic privilege surrounding that situation. But regardless of whether you’re convinced by Burdon’s own tale of post-divorce financial woe, the truth is that getting out of a marriage—or any long-term relationship—can indeed be financially devastating. Hence why anyone in one should have a “GTFO” fund—aka, a “Get the Fuck Out” fund.
What Is a GTFO Fund?
With the cost-of-living crisis putting a squeeze on us all, money is becoming an increasing point of contention in many relationships. For women, there often comes added monetary worries. Women are still paid less than men and tend to come out of breakups financially worse off than their male counterparts, so having a separate bank account or a stockpile of emergency savings can be a vital lifeline for women when a relationship ends.
A GTFO is just that: a fund to help you get out…and in a hurry, if you need to. Unlike your savings, it’s a smaller pot of cash you put aside to help you make your exit. These kinds of funds, sometimes called “Go Funds,” have their origins in a time when women couldn’t have their own bank accounts, so would put aside cash for if they ever need to flee their partner.
Today, charities like Women’s Aid still recommend having a GTFO fund; “Emergency funds are desperately needed by those seeking to leave their abusers, especially now, given the additional challenges presented by the cost-of-living crisis,” explains Farah Nazeer, the charity’s Chief executive.
Why Do You Need a GTFO Fund?
GTFO funds aren’t just important for women experiencing abuse or coercive control; having a separate fund of money can be just as important in healthy relationships…and healthy breakups.
While marriage acts as legal protection, guaranteeing you at least a portion of your assets when you divorce, that is a notoriously long process. Having your own account can help you get back on your feet in the meantime. Plus, if you and your partner aren’t married, you aren’t legally entitled to split any assets. The myth of the common law marriage is just that; no matter how long you’ve been together or even lived together, you’re still single in the eyes of the law if you haven’t gotten hitched.
“Having an emergency fund is one way many people try to protect themselves by ensuring some financial security and freedom,” says Pearl Akintola, consumer finance expert at Experian.
How to Start a GTFO Fund
“If this is something you’re considering, it’s important to be realistic about how much you would need and to start saving from the beginning of your relationship, rather than only when things start to go wrong,” says Akintola. “It might help to keep a flexible perspective on what the fund is for. If things go well, those savings could pay for a wedding or mortgage. If they don’t go well, then you’ve got your GTFO fund.”
Akintola says the first step is to set up an account that you can withdraw money from immediately—one that your partner does not have access to. She advises keeping your emergency fund liquid: “An easy access savings account with high interest could be a good option. It could yield higher interest on your savings, but still be available straight away.”
Although it’s safer to keep your partner off of your account, that doesn’t mean you have to keep it secret. “Fundamentally, it’s about transparency,” says Tamara Hoyton, a relationship therapist with Relate, about how to discuss wanting separate accounts with your partner. “Even if you’re in a relationship, you still have a right to be you. There’s a part of you that is still going to be an individual,” she explains, adding that separate finances can help you maintain your independence.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Setting Up a GTFO Fund
Hoyton says the earlier you and your partner start talking finances, the better. At minimum, she says couples should talk through their finances—including GTFO funds—before moving in together.
While it’s not necessarily a red flag if your partner initially reacts badly to the idea of you having a separate account, Hoyton says it can be a sign of fundamental difference between you and your partner that needs to be discussed. To do so, she suggests asking your partner what the separate account represents to them. Whereas a separate account for you might represent security, independence, and still being able to surprise them with presents, for your partner, it could bring up feelings of insecurity and abandonment. Once you understand that the conversation may be more about priorities than money, you can try to find a resolution.
And ultimately, if the person you’re thinking about spending your life with isn’t prepared to have frank conversations about the financial realities of that life, then maybe they aren’t the right person to share those finances with after all.
